It's interesting, that word matrix. The definition of matrix is extensive and it is also derived from the word matrices, which involves a mathematical equation dealing with an array, a grid per-say. A grid holds something in, something which can originate or develop an answer. The answer is often predetermined or set. Matrix, however, can mean something soft-it means womb. A womb holds us in, we develop, we become set, and we are protected and nurtured (to a degree). Yet, from a womb and a matrix there is a way out.
A matrix can be broken, like a fingernail or tooth. Both the word fingernail and tooth connect to the word matrix because it includes the anatomy of the body: the cells or tissues of both the fingernail and tooth. The matrix is meant to be shattered, like a crystal appears from the solid earth. This is not a figure of speech since the word matrix is connected to geology. What I'm trying to get at here, is that we are meant to change. We are meant to grow. We are meant to be broken, exit from, burst through. We are meant to evolve.
How we evolve comes down to choice. Often, it is our choice(s) that prevent the development, or the needed change in an environment, and that is when bacteria plagues our lives. What prevents us is FEAR. Fear is what we allow to hold us back. Fear is what keeps us mentally and physically down or preoccupied. For many of us, including myself, there is a fear that we have to work toward shattering every day, every year. For some of us, it might just be one fear that keeps repeating itself, for others it may shift and change as the seasons of our lives do. What is it that you fear? What is it that needs to be shattered?
I'll never forget, many moons ago, when I was still dearly close to my aunt on my mother's side, when she told me something which woke me up and pushed me through one matrix. I'll never forget it. I was lying on my "bedroom" floor, in my father's and step mother's house, a house that always felt like a house and never a home to me since I had no community attachment to it. I remember lying on the ground, sick to my stomach with fear. My mind was stuck. My body was literally stuck on the ground. The only thing following were my tears. I was so scared in that instance because that was the moment in time that I sat in a state of wait and worry. I was waiting to start my life on my own, away from my family. That was the waiting period of shattering the matrix. That waiting period can be the scariest time. Yet, it was the call with my aunt that jolted me up and awake.
In that moment, I was so afraid to change. I was afraid I'd fail. I was afraid that I wouldn't succeed and that I would be proven a failure. All of that doubt, all of that sickness, was due to fear. I remember even being short of breath. I remember not being able to fully articulate myself. My sweet, honeybee, aunt Melissa, however, could help me to articulate myself. She could help me to express my heart's knowledge and desire.
She said, "You're scared aren't you?"
"Yes," I said, "I'm terrified."
"You're afraid of the leap. I know," she soothed. "Just know that after you make your first jump you land on your first step."
After her words, I could breathe again. I could feel again. I could move again. My matrix, my womb of troubled fear and doubt, was being shattered. My aunt's words were like fire for me. Her words heated my worry to a point of being burned and turn to something new: I was moving into a new environment of existence. I was evolving. And you know something, she was right. She was right because that first jump was not a fall to my death or to a place of failure, but it was a step into the direction of my vision for my life. It was the first step to a more authentic self. It was a step toward mySELF.
Looking on my life now, I feel more in-tune with my true self than ever before. I still have a matrix here and there to explode and deconstruct. Yet, more importantly I have new environments of existences waiting for me-just like you. You too have parts of yourself to shatter, to call new, to explore. It just takes courage to jump and then step in the direction of your higher self.
Keep doing what you have to do every day. Keep moving. Keep dreaming. Keep gravitating in the direction of freedom.