Adjusting Our Habits
To Bring Forth Our Values
Now, I pose for you to explore what is the one thing most out of alignment from what you are trying to create in your life? This can be discovered by posing yourself this question: “what specific action, behavior, or habit do you feel you should improve the most?”
For example, perhaps you feel like parenthood is a core value of yours, but nothing in your life really gives much focus or attention on that theme. You could also want to eat better, but you have not taken the steps to buy whole foods, to food prep, or seek out a nutritionist or coach. When we deviate from what we are really trying to create in our lives it takes away joy, and it lessens our chances for being remembered for how we envision. If we do not work toward creating new habits for ourselves than we cannot leave behind the legacy that we so desire; rather, we continue on a legacy from our past that may be harmful.
Look back over the part one exercise. Look at what you wrote. Do you notice anything that sticks out to you? Anything that seems out of alignment?
I want to be remembered for my eloquence, but sometimes my words are not received how I intended them to be understood. I sometimes expect people to naturally understand what is inside of my mind, or behind my words, because I have been so open with them (and generally I open up very quickly). Sometimes I am too late to respond, especially when I have been hurt. Other times, I am too reactionary and lose my temper.
In the instances where I have been offended, it takes me a few days to respond back. Instead of communicating in the moment with “I feel” responses, I retreat back in fear and become resentful. I do this because this is what I did growing up. When I resort to other bad habits from how I was raised, like yelling, unnecessary passion, or aggressive language I am not being the communicator that I want to be and it ends up hurting me as much as it hurts the other person. Sense I was raised with volatile people, I sometimes resort to those old habits. I usually do this when I become frightened. Again, fear causes communication to come out poorly in most situations. It is behaviors like these that go against my best judgment and my most heartfelt desires.
These flaws reduce my desire to be approachable. This informs me that I need to work on my mannerisms. Now I cannot change how my face looks serious when I am thinking intensely or feeling stressed, but I can work on being more mindful. I can work on being less stressed, anxious, worried, afraid, or overwhelmed.
How I communicate is critically important to me. It is important in my job, my relationships, and most importantly in how I want to be as a future mother. I do not want my child to be afraid of self-expression like I was; nor, do I want my child to do as I had done: holding in all my feelings and frustrations until one day there is an outward verbal and emotional eruption.
I also want to be able to be with a person who can understand where I am coming from and recognize that communication takes hard work and dedication. I also want that person to understand that communication is a two way street and that both parties are responsible for their behavior and words. I want to know that the people I bring into my life will work with me if I were to ever raise my voice and get upset because they understand my past. I do not want them to excuse me for my behavior, but I want them to love me enough to work with me and to help me grow. I want to be surrounded by people who also want to improve how they communicate.
By working primarily on my communication this year, I can create new habits. By creating my new habits, I can morph into a person who can communicate in a way that has integrity. I want to pass along knowledge and wisdom. I do not want to pass along my suffering, trauma, or pain.
We can pass along our family’s lineage by how we communicate. I do not want to pass along so much trauma. I owe it to myself, my loved ones, and my future child to change how I communicate-especially during times of stress, confusion, fear, or sorrow.
For me to be a better communicator I need to:
- Slow down and ask more questions before I respond.
- Express my feelings about a comment made to me, so I can process my emotions first before I walk into reactionary behavior.
- Check-in with my body language and facial expressions all day, especially when my moods shift. Asking myself “Would a child feel safe being in my presence or would a child want to talk to me? Am I making myself available to others for help or support?”
For example, it is critical that I take these actions and steps because if I do not this will happen in my life:
- In five years, I will still be single and I will be struggling with personal and professional relationships because I cannot find balance with how I communicate and how I allow others to communicate with me.
- In ten years, I will have lost the chance for motherhood, be single or in up and down relationships because communication is poor. I will be detached and bitter because I do not trust others.
- In twenty years, I will be isolated.